Regret

Regret. Everyone has regret, some small and some big. I have regrets. I regret hanging up on my mom when she told me Emily and Abigail were going to sleep at their grandparents instead of our house :) To this day i regret not accepting my mom's offer of buying me a Cat in the Hat stuffed animal at Universal Studios when i was 5 years old. That regret gave me nightmares until my Christmas when i was 7. My parents got me that stuffed animal that day :P (and yes i seriously had nightmares over a stuffed animal).  I think i thought i hurt my mom's feelings when i rejected her offer...even though I've found out in the last year that she couldn't have cared less :) Anyway, there are those small regrets, but then there are bigger ones. In my case right at the moment is the one of getting into a relationship that ended up really being really stupid. My question for whoevers reading this is if i have things that remind of that regret....should i keep them? should i keep letters/emails because whenever i read them i learn from them and know what not to do in the future? or should i throw them out because when i read them i feel like such an idiot and i beat myself up for giving away parts of myself i wish i hadn't? I'd really love any thoughts anybody has.  Cause I'm cleaning out my "memory, personal, junk, various" box (yup I'm one of those people that has that :P) and I'm having some issues with it. sooooo i'd love to know if i should keep it and remind myself of what i shouldn't do? or trash it.

All kinds of advil

Random thought, well not really random since I just had some…but anyway. Advil can’t fix everything. Sure it can temporarily ease the pain of cramps, headaches, fevers, and stomach aches…but it can’t fix heartbreak, lonliness, sadness,  jealousy or any other “heart” problems (although it can sure help :P) This is why we have people. Our best friends are our heart advil that we take when the little pink pill just doesn’t help. I call Kati, talk to Dan or Allison, and just laugh with mark because they are my advil. But…there is one thing my heart advil has that real advil doesn’t. Advil works for a couple hours then you have to take more or then pain will just become unbearable again.  Heart advil works constantly…and has no limit to the amount you can have a day. The best kind of advil though is heart soul body and mind advil! You say…where can I find such a thing?! And I say in the bible…in prayer…in Jesus. That’s the real advil J

Time

Here is my rant on time that I wrote a while ago :) i love it...and still agree/feel everything i say in here

Time.  It’s how when we’re 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, and 14 we think that there is all the time in the world to waste our lives away before a career and future come knocking at our door.  All that time that was supposed to last forever suddenly vanishes and it's time to grow up. Time to find a college, time to pick a major, time to clean up that resume.  A time when you can no longer pretend that you’re a little kid, and a time when you finally feel the need to be older, healthier, and more mature. Before you could have ice cream and popcorn everyday without feeling guilty, but now you worry about how it will affect you in five years. Every minute of every day has to be planned out, and the to do list gets longer and longer.  Responsibility is put on your shoulders for various things that you never asked to be responsible for…such as yourself.  The fun and games of 14 seem years gone by at 15. Psats and SATS loom near in the future, and it seems that if you fail that one day, you will fail everything and all your dreams will be forever unreachable. You come to the point where you no longer are positive that you want to stay close to home forever…that you might actually want to see some of the world. You have frequent moments in the day where you think “remember when I used to do that, or say this?” and “remember when I wished I could do this? Well…here I am...and I wish I was still wishing for it.” You wish that even though she says you still can, that you could sit more comfortably in your mommy’s lap and just cry even though there’s nothing to cry about, but no…that would be a dramatic teenager thing to do...and one must never stoop to that. When reading 2^nd, 3^rd, and 4^th grade journals you wish that you still spelled peanut butter “pnt bttr” and that a day was still as simple as “Today mommy, daddy, Lizzy, mark, and Jennifer got hair cuts. I got a new sweater for my birthday. It’s SO pretty and I get to wear it to my piano lesson!” The days when all that mattered was planning the recital or “restaurant” for the next time one of your cousins came seem to have slipped away. You no longer have the belief that you will never leave mommy and daddy, and now all you can think about is going to college and getting married. Life is all about plans now; college plans, wedding plans, having kids plans. You have a deeper understanding of what heartbreak and sadness is, and also joy and happiness. You’ve learned lessons the hard way, and have actually started to learn that what your parents say is best…is most usually the best. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14. Those years are gone. Whoever said that 18 is the year you are an adult was crazy, 15 is when the all the years before seem to have disappeared…not 16, 17, or 18. New dreams have replaced the old, and new goals are set. Time. It is the unspoken alarm bell that wakes all of us up from the dream we’ve been living. Time. Time to move on; time to live a new dream.

-Funny how you think of stuff like that in the middle of the night. Its interesting to think of how somewhere there is a little blond haired green eyed girl who just like I did, can’t WAIT to be 15. Or even 10. She’ll wear pink dresses, have tea parties, go out to ice cream with daddy, and sit on mommy’s lap, never realizing that these days are going to go by so fast. She’ll turn ten and she won’t even care, she’ll just be anticipating 11, 12, and 13.

P.S just so everyone knows...i never feel guilty about eating popcorn and ice cream :) i did for about an hour.

hello there :)

Well. I'm going to attempt blogging :) key word = attempt

I've always wanted to do this...but I'm guaranteeing that there will be times when i go for a while not writing anything...just warning you :) (whoever you are, if you are)

A couple of the posts going up tonight are journal entries I've written in the past 1-2 years, they're probably the deepest things I've written in a while since I never seem to have time for journaling anymore :) hopefully this will change that!

so...here we go!