majorly drainnnnned

Wow. a feel like a lifetime has gone by since the last time i updated this blog. A lifetime of sadness, remembrance of old memories, makings of new ones, coming together as a family, realizing how strong and amazing my family is, a time of celebrating the painless and joyous life my Uncle now has in Heaven, but also a time of realizing how life won't be the same without him.

Yup...it was a long, majorly draining week. Besides the obvious sadness of losing one of my Watt's family Uncles, i also realized, through a bad heart scare with Grandfather, that
1) the Watts family is truly amazing and
2) the idea of losing Grandfather scares me to death
That night, while my mom, uncles, aunts, and Grandfather were in the ER, my cousin and i were texting, both of us expressing at midnight how we were really scare about the situation.  When Abby said "we'll always have each other" i realized how much I've taken for granted the amazing support system that is the Watts family.

Other happenings of the week...i had an AMAZING time with my super bestest 13 year old second cousin :) memories including
- our extensive game of Bliratspiunowould was constantly awesome
- our convo that lasted till 4 AM made my life so much happier
- her kicking herself awake and then having a semi-conscious panic attack about my slap happy laughing reaciton
-the Brown family influence on my "sayings" with 1) Pickles 2) somebodies gonna die 3) just sayings all 4) oh my heart 5) oh my heart 6) good grief ( just to name a few)

so there were happy times too...in the midst of all the sad, silver lining in the clouds.

another smaller, less important, "epiphany" (!!!) from this week was the understanding and commitment to now forever obey the "don't put all your eggs in one basket" rule. bad things happen...you can think something is so good, and you're doing it all right, so it doesn't matter if you count and rely on it. but no...it does....in following, whatever I've said about "as long as you like someone and don't tell them you won't get hurt" thing...i lied, unbeknown st to me of course :P your heart is a fragile thing, especially when its been glued back together already. here's my new advice. be a nun. or move to a secluded place in Alaska at a young age. don't care how unimportant you try to make it seem, getting hurt is no small thing. don't ever downsize your hurt by saying its so much less than someone elses, just face it, deal with it, and move on. when you can that is...

for now though, i kind of feel like blocking everything out, the small and the big, for the next few weeks...otherwise i think I'll explode. but then again maybe i will anyways.
home tomorrow...I'm dying to be home, but dying to stay. I'm afraid of facing reality...not that the reality here wasn't bad, it was, it was sad. but home is just. back to those realities that will be right in my face from now on. now I'm not making sense though....i guess I'll go to sleep

gnight world. you're a pretty awful place, yes you have your silver lining, but you can't compete with heaven. you're totally left in the dust. sometimes I think, gee, it's not too bad...but times like these past weeks i think...wow...store your treasures up in heaven because the world will only crush and steal them.

may all sound like I'm completely depressed and lacking in faith and what not...but I'm not don't worry. I know God has a plan and purpose in everything, i just don't see it right now, life will go on, there will still be happy moments and times...but that plan and purpose always seem to be lurking in the shadows, out of arms reach, taunting and tempting me to throw in the towel and tell God he's insane. but for today, blog, I'm sticking with him